Yesterday was a bad day.
I took one look at myself in the mirror and felt like crying. We all have those days, right? Days where you have to wiggle into your jeans or go shopping for a new bikini and suddenly you’re thinking “How did I let myself get to this point?” and “I need six more months before swimsuit season”.
I haven’t stepped on a scale since last fall and if we are being entirely honest here, I’m not sure if I have the nerve to do it. My weight last fall was 10-15lbs above where I wanted it to be. I did lose a little but never got back to my baseline, had a gym membership but let it expire, went on a healthy eating spree but eventually gave up, and now we are here.
A lot of people look at me and say “You’re tiny, you don’t need to lose weight!” but it’s not about how other people perceive me, it is how I feel about myself that matters. Since high school I’ve gained about 25lbs and up until recently, my clothing size didn’t really change much. However, I’ve recently gone up a size in jeans because my normal size suddenly feels a bit too tight and I am not okay with it. Now don’t get me wrong, I know the number on the scale or the size on the tag isn’t what matters. It’s about how I look in the mirror and, more importantly, feel about myself. But I don’t look nor feel my best right now and that needs to change.
I’ve always hated exercise. I was the kid in grade three who stayed home from school on sports day because I hated it that much. I never participated in gym class and dropped the course as quickly as I could. I don’t like attending group classes because I feel like I cannot keep up with everyone else and then I want to quit.
However, it has gotten to the point where it is time to start doing something. Anything. I’m the girl who tells my friends to rock the bikini and exude confidence, so I feel like a hypocrite by lacking it myself. I started wearing my Fitbit again (add me: firstname.lastname@example.org) and have been participating in workweek and weekend challenges with my friends. I am quite competitive so it actually motivates me to get up and do more. Yesterday afternoon I had 1600 steps and was having a mental breakdown after looking at myself in the mirror and I decided to throw on my gym clothes and take the dog for a walk/run.
You won’t see me posting a bikini photo here because the thought makes me want to sink through the floor but I am hoping this post will hold me accountable. If anyone out there is interested in being Fitbit friends, gym buddies, or hiking friends, let me know!